Temple o' Dave v 2.0

CONFESSIONS PART VIII: A SENSE OF CLOSURE

2011-08-22T03:00:00.000-07:00

Another Sunday, another entry. This week was all about insurance and the gaining thereof. We got the inspection reports: the 4-point showed no defects, which was good, but the Wind Mitigation ... well, that was a little underwhelming, frankly. There are storm shutters installed over all the windows, but none of them are rated. That is to say, they haven't been certified as being up to the Miami-Dade code standards that were set in place after Hurricane Andrew. The roof isn't hurricane-resistant, and none of the doors are rated, either. So our discount wasn't big. Know what was big, though? The insurance quotes we got!

Part of the paperwork we received earlier included a Good Faith Estimate (GFE) which gave an estimate of all the charges that we can expect to see at Closing time. One of the estimates was the cost of a full year's worth of insurance that needs to be paid up front, and it was around $1,000 less than most of the quotes we received. Only one agent produced something that was in line with what I expected to see, and that was accomplished by choosing a higher deductible in the event of hurricane damage. Everyone else quoted a 2% deductible, but we're going for a 5%. That means if the house is damaged, we have to pay 5% of the total cost of the rebuild (I think; I'm admittedly a little foggy on that point). So that means if we get hit, we're 3% more screwed. That's going to be the first thing that we're going to upgrade, but we can't do that until it's time to renew the policy: next August. So fingers crossed that there are no major storms for the remained of this hurricane season. I'm looking at YOU, Hurricane Irene. Just stay the hell away from us, okay?

This whole insurance-buying thing has been very confusing. We received something from the lender stipulating what it needs to see before final approval will be tendered, and one of the items was a receipt showing that, at the closing table, insurance has been purchased; a bond will not be accepted. So does that mean that we need to finish everything up beforehand? Or will the insurance be paid at closing by funds out of escrow and that will act as the receipt? Tomorrow, I have to call the Title company at whose offices the Closing will be held to verify. Our insurance agent-elect has vouchsafed that that's what's going to happen, but I want to make sure.

My greatest fear is that I'm going to have forgotten something and everything's going to stall at the table because of my omission. I'm going to have a room full of people looking at me with sneers on their lips and I'm going to have egg on my face. Hell, if I'm going to be neurotic about this, I'm going to imagine my fly's down as well. So there I'll be, all egg-y and breezy, stammering "But I didn't know!" and the keys to the house are going to be yanked from the table and eyes will be rolling, and soon, heads will be as well. Make that singular: a head will be rolling: mine. Because, honestly, I have no experience with this stuff at all, and I can't find any solid answers from my old buddy, the intarwebs. Some things I've looked at say yes, insurance is factored into the Closing costs, while others say that you may need to purchase beforehand.

That being said, with the exception of the insurance question, everything else seems like it's in line. I'm confident that we have enough cash on hand to cover the closing costs, once the seller ponies up that three grand. I just wish I had a better handle on the insurance. It feels like someone should have told me explicitly what we need to do, but that hasn't happened yet.

I had a dream last night. In it, we moved into the new house which has now magically become an old house on North Main in East Hampton, New York, my home town. And it's dilapidated. And there are squatters in the back yard. There's water damage everywhere - the floors are rotten and the cabinets in the kitchen are swollen. And the old owners didn't take their furniture, so there's no place for our stuff. Aren't dreams fun?

Ah, well, there's still another four days to go. We've received confirmation: 11 am on August 25th! Did I happen to mention that Irene is projected to go over Boca Raton at that time?

In other news, Naomi had her tooth extracted on Monday. It put up a hell of a fight and they had to threaten its family before it vacated, but the deed 'tis done and herself feels a lot better, thank heavens. Currently her boss is on vacation so she's looking at the possibility of working 10 days in a row, each one starting at 5 am. Additionally, she was not approved to have Thursday off, but she has been allowed to take some time to attend the closing. Isn't that nice?

Ok, that's it for now. It's 6 am on Monday. Dishes need to be washed and the cats need to be scooped. And so begins another week.

CONFESSIONS PART VI: GETTING CLOSER

2011-08-14T07:19:00.000-07:00

What an exciting week it's been, cats and kittens! Actually, wait, strike that -- no it hasn't. It's been a week full of phone calls and waiting. The foofaraw that occurred last weekend is passed; after an e-mail to Lorri full of hurt feelings and gentle recrimination, the full story was made clear: The lender balked at writing a loan for anything above the appraised value (X+$3K, remember?) and the seller balked at selling for anything lower than the original agreed-upon price (X). So the only place that some ducats could be shaved were off the costs that were rolled in for the closing (that's the $3K). When it was finally explained, the course of action was obvious: sign the addendum or forego the house entirely. The "forego" option was understressed (to the point of not being mentioned at all, really) and probably wouldn't have been considered but it would have been nice at the time to know our available paths of action.

I took the loan from my 401k this week. Submitted the request on Tuesday and was supposed to receive a document to sign and return via Fax on Wednesday. Nothing arrived and so I phoned on Thursday. "Oh, isn't that funny?" they said. "It should have been faxed. Here, we'll do it again." And lo, it came to pass that 4 hours later, I faxed back a fully-signed promissory note. By Friday, the money had been removed from my account and it had been given to FedEx for delivery. The lender must be monitoring my accounts, because by Friday evening, I had an e-mail from Joe, our mortgage guy. The lack of funds had been noted as being missing from the 401k, and they needed to see it available in a liquid-funds account. I had asked if Suntrust (keepers of my old age solvency) could do a direct-transfer into our checking account, but no, that option isn't available for loans. Go figure.

We're all ready for the close that is scheduled - in theory - for 8/25. The last document we need to provide is a Bondage Letter from an insurance company. No, wait, that doesn't sound right. Something like that, anyway. And so we've been shopping around for insurance quotes. Turns out we need a 4-point inspection because our house is an older one. We also need a Wind Mitigation inspection. Actually that one's optional, but it can save us hundreds, and only costs $75. This lets the insurance company know if the roof is hurricane-ready, if the windows are impact-resistant, if there are storm shutters installed, and so on. And so, after passing $150 to a complete stranger and watching him wiggle into the space between roof and ceiling --

We wait. That was done on Thursday, but we didn't receive a copy of the report on Friday. I know that the inspector is going to send a copy directly to the insurance guy who recommended him (how cozy!), but we've got another couple of agents lined up who are eager to give us quotes.

Without those reports, our annual cost for insurance is going to run $4,400 as a worst-case scenario. That's with a minimal deductible and with full content replacement, etc. Once we get the reports back, we're going to be looking for a quote with a $2500 deductible, standard content replacement, a discount for having a monitored alarm system (there's already one in the house, which helps), et cetera.

And so it goes. Hopefully on Monday, we'll get the reports, bounce them to the other agents, get quotes on Tuesday, make a decision on Wednesday, get the necessary docs by Friday ... And wait for the weekend! Of course, there's many a slip 'twixt cup and lip ...

CONFESSIONS PART V: THE RECOMPUTATIONING

2011-08-07T16:54:00.000-07:00

As those who pay any attention to the pearls of wisdom that I regularly excrete onto Facebook know, our Appraisal came through this past week. I've been pretty coy about stating explicitly how much the house is costing us, and I see no reason to discontinue that mealy-mouthed policy. Suffice to say, the appraised value was pretty darn close to what we had contracted to pay for it.

Kind of.

Let's say that the selling price of the house was X. As I think I previously mentioned, the seller had agreed to roll $7K of closing costs into the purchase price: they would front the money, and we'd pay them back through the purchase price of the house. And so the total contract was for X+7K.

The appraised value came in at X+3K. So in one sense, we were purchasing the house for $3K less than it was objectively worth. A good thing, right? Not so much, it seems. Friday evening, we get a call from our broker, Lorri - several calls, actually. She had sent us an addendum to the contract but her e-mail was acting up and so we weren't even aware that anything required our signatures. I talked to her after 10 pm and we agreed that if by the following morning she was still having trouble with the mail, we'd make arrangements to meet and sign a hardcopy (UGH -- stupid meatspace protocols!).

By the following morning, there was a copy in my inbox, so there was no need to meet. Accompanying the addendum was reminder stressing the urgency to get this signed and back. Essentially, it stated that the contract price had been dropped to X+3K in keeping with the appraisal. So the seller isn't covering as much of the closing costs as before, but the loan's reduced. Great! Yay!

Except that's NOT great. We WANTED the closing fees & prepaids rolled so we could minimize our out-of-pocket expenses. Before, we only had to bring less than 2 grand to the closing table; now that number's jumped to around 6 grand, and that's going to hurt. Like, big-time hurt. We are not happy campers to say the least. The terms of the contract turned in a direction that was decidedly not in our favor, and I must confess: more fool me for allowing us to be pressurized to sign without exploring all the ramifications. I was concentrating on the "reduced loan" angle, and lost sight of the "cough up" factor. The seller is only covering 3K of closing costs, so now I'm probably going to have to take out a loan against my 401k. I contacted our mortgage guy, and he's confirmed that we can do that without affecting the loan terms. Prefer not to do it, of course, but at least it's doable. Still not happy, though, and I'll be telling Lorri about it, you bet.

While that's been happening, we've been trying to get insurance quotes. We'll need to get a Letter of Bondage or something like that to bring to closing. I've contacted a couple of insurance agents for quotes. I started with Geico - we've got our car and renters' insurance through them, so why not house insurance, hmm? Spoke to a very nice lady in Virginia who sounded honest-to-God disappointed when she reported back that none of the underwriters they deal with would carry our policy: they've covered the maximum number of homes in the area that they wish to carry, in an effort to limit their liability. So no go there. Another agent I called played phone tag with me a couple of times, but never followed up with an actual quote. Boo. There's still another couple of agents to go, so we're not stalled on that front, though.

And that's how things stand, then. Our closing date is coming up fast; hopefully we'll get everything sorted out in time. And through it all, constant reader, you'll be by my side, sharing the laughter and the tears, not to mention the blood and the sweat. Yeah, ok, that was kind of gross. Sorry.

CONFESSIONS PART VII: OUT OF SEQUENCE

2011-07-31T17:04:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary -

Like, nothing happened this week. Everything's totally boring. The appraisal company hit our credit card for $400 on the 27th, but no report. Maybe tomorrow. On a good note, we got things hammered out with the seller about the items brought to light in the inspection. They're going to take care of the spout (spigot?) and the exposed electrical wire, and are adding another $500 towards our closing costs.

We signed the Addendum to the contract that contained those terms and submitted for the counter-signature. It came back duly signed and stamped -- and that was the curious thing. The seller is the current homeowners' relocation company, and the seller's agent's stamp said "As agent ... subject to Seller becoming owner.” That's odd, I said to myself. Surely the seller is the owner? It turns out that there are actually two sales going on concurrently for the same house: the relocation company buying it from the residents, and us buying it from the relocation company. Seems convoluted, but it's standard operating procedure for relocation companies, according to the seller's agent.

My wife never did have her wisdom tooth pulled, by the way. Her dentist bobbled her appointment, giving her one too late in the day to allow for an extraction. And so in between getting another appointment with them and juggling her ever-changing work schedule, she's not due to have it yanked until 8/15 -- ten days before our expected closing date. Fortunately, she loves the taste of antibiotics.

So that's it until we get the appraisal results and can start getting insurance quotes. Apparently the homeowner's policy isn't going to be too bad -- it's the wind insurance that will hurt.

Pepys said it best: And so to bed. That's not really applicable; once again, we're down at the Wishing Well, talking to Juan. Close enough, though. Good night, Diary.

CONFESSIONS PART IV.V: NOTHING TO REPORT

2011-07-24T16:27:00.000-07:00

We know from our mortgage guy, Joe, that the loan application was received and submitted to the lender and that the Appraisal has been scheduled -- but he's not sure when it was for. Might have already been done, for all I know. We'll get the report 2 days after it's completed, according to Joe.

I asked Lorri about the repairs, whether they would be covered by the seller or not. She reminded me that the house was being sold in "as-is" condition, but she said she'd ask. Seller was amenable to including a "credit" towards the purchase price if we would handle the repairs ourselves.

Too bad, though -- the loan officer (I think that's who she is; right now, this person is just a name on an e-mail thread and at the top of the loan application paperwork) responded that no lender would agree to that provision, and that the sellers would either need to cover more of the closing costs (thus reducing our out-of-pocket expenditures) or just give us cash, away from the table.

And so we wait. Tomorrow Naomi gets a wisdom tooth extracted. Couldn't do it last week; she had a massive infection, hence all the pain. And so it goes: it's all about pulling teeth.

And now we're down at the Wishing Well, drinking. Turns out that one of our favorite bartenders, Juan, used to be in the mortgage business, and he's a veritable mine of information. And beer. Information and beer, beer and information. That's what makes the world go 'round.

CONFESSIONS PART IV: A BUSY DAY

2011-07-18T12:20:00.000-07:00

Today, for the first time since we viewed the house several weekends ago, I got to re-see it, and I'm still pleased and excited. I was a little scared that I'd go back in and everything would now appear dingy and broken, or just a little less nice than my first impression allowed me to apprehend. Happily, I was wrong - I'm still taken with the place.

I was there for the home inspection. It's an entirely voluntary step, but everyone I've spoken to has stressed the importance of having it done, as any physical defects that might be there, hidden to a layman, will become our problem entirely once the closing takes place; the house is being sold in "as-is" condition. And so I wrote a check for $375 and had a licensed inspector go over the whole house, from top to bottom. He also called in a termite inspector and, thank God, that's an insect menace we are free of.

The inspection took well over an hour. The guy was on the roof, in the attic, flicking switches, flushing toilets, rooting around in the bushes, taking photos ... more like a neighborhood pervert's gig, but this guy has a business card, so I guess it's all right. Long story short, the house is in good shape! There are some cracks in a few of the tiles on the roof, the seams by the gutters need attention, and there are some very minor cracks in the walls and in a few windowsills. The most major repair is where the water comes into the house; the handle (knob? furl? I don't know this stuff, that's why I hired someone) need to be replaced, as there's signs of leakage, and it needs to be addressed. And that's it. The wiring looks old but good. The windows, the foundation, the roof generally -- it's in good shape. So that's a major relief. The stuff on the roof won't even need a roofer, the inspector said. Any competent handyman will be able to do the job. So it's really just the water spigot (spout? faucet?) that's an issue.

Earlier today, I had to head over to our credit union and withdraw many thousands of dollars and have them encapsulated in a cashier's check; this was turned over to Lorri, who, in turn, gave it to the Title agency who have set it up in an escrow account. So that's our down payment taken care of, as well as our savings account. Who needs a nest egg, amiright?

Today isn't over, friends. I'm actually typing this at my wife's dentist's office; one of her wisdom teeth is giving her a hard time. Once we're done here, I have to drop her home, I'll go to work for a couple of hours, then I have to pick the missus up and bring her to a chiropractor's appointment, and then - then! - we can get some real work done: we're going to the Wishing Well for a beer, and to sign, date, and initial 45 pages of fun: the formal loan application. Actually, I lied, it's 46 pages; the last page is an authorization form so that our mortgage guy can tap one of our credit cards for the cost of the House Appraisal, the next step in the process.

This appraisal will be looking at the cost of the house, the amount of the loan, the value of the house, the value of similar houses and what they recently sold for, the physical condition of the house, etc ... and then the lender will determine whether or not the house is worth what they're going to be lending us to buy it. I was going to start getting quotes for house insurance today, but apparently you need the appraisal first, so the insurance company knows how much it's insuring for.

Also, if the appraisal comes in too far below the cost of the house, the lender simply will not loan us the money. We either will have to make up the shortfall in cash, or the seller will have to lower the price.

And so, this brings us to the end of another entry in everyone's favorite blog. Tune in next time, when I'll have something important to say about the need to check the ink level in one's pen before one begins signing 45 pages.

CONFESSIONS PART III: THE QUICKENING

2011-07-14T04:39:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we learned that the seller accepted the contract and countersigned, thereby executing it. Sounds final, right? Au contraire, mon frère! There's still a little matter of everything else – but at least now the ball is rolling. We need to get a large chunk 0' change over to our agent's title company at the beginning of next week, and there is a house inspection pending for mid-day on Saturday. So we'll see about the presence of mold, rot, mice, lice, rice, stoats, oats, goats, termites, and crud. The roof will be inspected as will the basement, which will be amusing to watch as there's no basement in this house. None of the houses around here have basements, for a very good reason: dig six feet down or so, and the hole starts filling up with water! And a hole that's filled with water will soon attract alligators. Because this is south Florida, and that's what happens.

Assuming the place gets a clean bill of health, we move on to the next step, XXXX. I had to put Xs there because I'm not sure what the next step is going to be. I'm sure someone will tell me, though. And when I learn what it is, you'll learn as well, gentile reader, because we're all in this together, for better or for worse.

ETA: Home inspection has been pushed to Monday. Que sera, sera. Everyone's going to have to wait for the next thrilling installment of ... CONFESSIONS!

CONFESSIONS PART II: THE NEGOTATIONS BEGIN

2011-07-13T05:02:00.001-07:00

So anyway, nice house, blah blah blah. Two thousand square feet under AC, small screened patio, single-car garage, quarter-acre lot. Nice, stable neighborhood where the houses haven't devalued too too badly in the past few years, close to well-rated schools and a decent shopping center. Also it's only a couple of miles to the beach and a couple of minutes to the I-95 on-ramp. And trust me, once you set foot in either of those locations, you're in a different food chain. Ba-DUM-bum! It looks like everything's been recently remodeled and it has a new AC system. This is important because my wife and I work a lot, and we don't want a Handyman's Special; we just want to move in. also, I'm not that handy. My first project is going to be to install a cat flap in the back door, and that will probably exhaust my knowledge of carpentry.

The asking price is ... well, it's above our budget. I'm sure it's reasonable, it's probably well below where it might have been six or seven years ago, but it's more than we're willing to pay. So Lorri contacts the listing agent and informally throws out a number that's around $35,000 below the asking price. Bold? Yes. Cheeky? Yes. Rejected? Oh yes. But at least that gives us a better idea. So we formally make an offer that's $25K below the price tag.

Oh, here's something else to add to the mix: the current owners are being relocated for employment reasons, but they're not expecting to move until early December. A stroke of luck! Because our lease here at the condo doesn't expire until the end of November, and our landlord has made it clear that we are expected to pay rent up through that time. So in with this formal offer, we include a clause that allows the current owners to rent from us after closing (expected to happen in late August) until mid- to late November. The quoted rent is high, but it's another factor for negotiation.

Did I mention that the current owners aren't the sellers, per se? The whole sale is being handled by a relocation company. So that means we're negotiating with a corporation. They have a listing agent to talk to other real estate agents, but ultimately, all the decisions are being undertaken by a company.

And so our first formal offer is rejected. Their agent tells our agent to bump it up by another $5K or so, and we probably have a deal. Oh, and never mind that whole "renting" malarkey. Ok, fine, so we do another offer: $20K below the asking price, plus they help us with closing costs. This is encapsulated in a fifteen-page document full of dense legalese that we must initial, sign, and date at regular intervals. The seller has two days to countersign if they accept; at that point, the contract will be executed.

The answer comes back: Yeah, no. No help with closing costs. "But," we whine, "On House Hunters, the seller ALWAYS helps with closing costs!" Not this time, apparently. The anticipated costs are going to be around $7K. We could probably come up with that kind of cash, but remember, kids -- we will also have to put up a cash deposit. We've been saving for a while so the deposit is painful but do-able, but covering all of the closing fees on top of that is going to hurt. And so we make another offer: $20K below the list price PLUS $7K, if the seller will pay the closing costs up front. This is called "rolling," and it means that we have saved cash in the short term, but we've increased the size of our mortgage slightly. We're going for a 30-year fixed rate, so it shouldn't hurt that much. And so we sign and initial another couple of pages and wait.

The relocation company/seller must not hate the sound of that too awfully because they ...

No, they don't execute the offer. They give us another 20 pages to sign, date, and initial, detailing the state of the house, the possible presence of lead-based paint, and the fact that it has stucco siding. Apparently, the only known defect is that the water dispenser/automatic ice cube maker in the fridge doesn't work (I suspect it isn't plumbed). We do what we need to, get it back to them, and ...

To be continued.

CONFESSIONS OF A FIRST-TIME HOMEBUYER

2011-07-11T20:09:00.000-07:00

Here's my confession: I've never bought a house. I've lived in one, sure. Well, most of the time. Occasionally I was allowed to come in from my regular quarters in the barn, but that's not the same as owning one, right?

Well, I'm about to. Maybe. And it's here on my widely-read and well-respected blog that I'm going to describe the steps that I have taken/will have taken/might have took in excruciating detail.

Some day, gentle reader, you may wish to purchase your own house, and I am here to tell you: sounds like a good idea to me!

And it's EXACTLY that kind of mushy thinking that has led me to this point. Earlier this year, my wife Naomi and I started talking about buying a place. Since we moved down to Florida we've been living in multi-level dwellings - first an apartment building and now a nice condo - and the experience has had its ups and downs. I'm getting tired of hearing the people upstairs and knowing that I am heard by the people downstairs (they came upstairs to tell us so one night, much in the same way I had to go to the people upstairs and let them know that they were being heard by us, the people downstairs [but not as downstairs as the people downstairs from us]). Our rent is not cheap and has gone up each year since we moved in a few years ago. And so our logic went: What if - if, mind you - we stopped paying rent to someone and got a mortgage? And to go with that fancy new mortgage, we got a shiny new house?

Ok, we didn't use adjectives like "fancy" and "shiny" and "new." But we did use professional-grade words like "mortgage," "house" and "got."

And so we devised a cunning scheme: to start thinking about neighborhoods we liked, and started looking online to get an idea of what the market was like. House prices have been falling, and we figured they could fall still further. Someone (I forget who) gave us some advice, though: Don't wait for the market to bottom out completely, as that's when the 'sharks' come out and start snapping up the really cheap places that are halfway decent, leaving behind only the cheapest fixer-uppers. And so we started looking in earnest, even going so far as to contacting a real estate agent.

In the interest of full disclosure, I am compelled to say that Naomi did most of the legwork, in terms of researching neighborhoods, initiating contact with the Realtor, picking out houses for us to view, and so on. My part was to nod sagely when anyone spoke to me in public and to avoid drooling on the carpeting of any house we went to look at. And we did look at a couple of houses. Our agent humored us and took us out to see three or four prospective abodes and then encouraged us most emphatically to get pre-approved for a mortgage. None of the houses we saw really tickled out fancy nor floated our respective boats, by the way, but it was a tantalizing start, and anyway, we're generally nosy and house-hunting is a GREAT way of indulging that.

Now, paperwork -- that I can do. And so I assembled tax statements, records of earnings, histories of employment, declarations of savings, assertions of liabilities, and proclamations of past housing and submitted them for scrutiny. A day later, we received notice that we had been pre-approved for a great deal more than we are worth (both in a moral and financial sense) and we instantly agreed that we were not going to seek a house in that range ($400K, if you must know. Now who's being nosy?)

Needless to say, our Realtor was delighted. And so she sent us leads and researched properties that we (i.e. my wife) had sent her. We decided that we wanted to stay here in mid- to mideast southern Boca, so that narrowed our search. And we didn't want an HOA fee, as those can rise unexpectedly. And so our choices were further limited. We needed a three bedroom, or at least a two and a den -- just someplace to put the computers and our musical gear.

And then Naomi noticed a house online. She showed it to me, and I didn't care for it much. Something about the floors, they just didn't look right. Right neighborhood, sure. The price was in alignment with what we felt we could handle, mortgage-wise. But the floors, the floors ... I was unimpressed, and told my wife so. She didn't pay me any mind OF COURSE, and let Lorri (our agent) know that "we" were interested in viewing it.

And so two Saturdays ago we went out and looked at a few houses, including the one mentioned above. I refrained from rolling my eyes too much as we pulled up to it although even I had to admit that, from the outside, it looked a lot nicer than the photos would have led me to believe.

To be continued ...

Just so embarrasing!

2011-03-06T17:37:00.000-08:00

Just posted 2 tracks on Soundcloud.com -- music I had recorded in the early 90's on the four-track recorder that my folks gave me as a graduation present when I came out of SCAD. A graphic design major and I wanted a way to record music? Seems to be indicative of everything I've undertaken. Now I've purchased a netbook so I can write, maybe. With my track record, I'll discover t has an alternate use as a flying wing, or a canapé tray, or some such. Still, maybe I'll start writing in my blog more often.

HA!

A Traditional Italian Folk Tune

2008-12-13T07:04:00.000-08:00

I am here transcribing a traditional Italian folk song that I made up a couple of days ago. It's about my wife's favorite tomatoes: Campari. She says they're the proof a tomato is classified as 'fruit' -- they're sweet and succulent. I can think of better uses for them, hence this song: Hey Campari!

When the tomatoes are sweet
We'll go out in the street
And we'll sing:
Hey Campari

Then we'll gather in bars
and throw tomatoes at cars
And we'll laugh:
(ha ha ha!) Hey Campari!

For we are tomato-y purists
And we like to pick fights with the tourists
For they're tops in our list
For to hold in our fist
As we throw:
Hey Campari!

It's been how long?

2007-08-12T05:44:00.000-07:00

This is terrible! The last time I posted was in October? That's almost a freakin' year ago! I see before that I was incensed at only being able to publish once a week. Little did I know. Oh, I'm a bad, bad little blogger. No wonder my name isn't known all over the web -- yet. Right now I'm working on raising an army of squirrels (one of the little buggers scratched me the other day) and I found the HTML for one of my old web-pages and reposted it, now that I've got broadband. Yay!
My Remote Brain.
Enjoy, culture-lovers!

Saturday Night in Minas Tirith

2006-10-29T12:51:00.000-08:00

So for my first "real" entry, I'm going for the gusto and publishing someone else's copyrighted material. If anyone has something to say about it, just let me know, and I'll be glad to make all necessary changes. HA! Who am I kidding? No-one is reading this damnable thing -- yet.

At work this past Christmas, Grace gave me a page-a-day desk calendar featuring photos from Peter Jackson's LOTR trilogy. I've made it my business to try and come up with a funny caption for each photo; sometimes it's not so easy. The other day, though, prompted by the above picture, the yucks kept coming and just wouldn't stop. Encouraged and aided by Grace Amelia, a new set of dialogue was "discovered." As you read this, you can keep Denethor's voice the same as in the movie, but Pippin should be dubbed in by every surly teen you've ever known. If you need a pop-culture touchstone, try Napoleon Dynamite on for size ...

Pippin: ...

Denethor: You going to stand there all night? Speak up, boy!

P: Uh ... can I borrow the chariot tonight?

D: What? No! Are you out of your mind? Don't you remember what happened last time?

P: I promise I won't let Frodo drive again. He's the one that wrecked it, not me.

D: The answer is still no, and that's final!

P: Aw! Well, can I go to the Green Day concert?

D: Only if you bring Faramir.

P: No way! He's a jerk, and he always starts fights. Last time, he waded into the mosh pit when it was full of dwarves, pushed one over, and they all fell down. He thought it was really funny. It looked like a wiggling bear rug covered in chain mail.

D: I don't care. Either you take him, or you don't go.

P: Awwwww! Can't we bring Boromir, instead?

D: Dammit, no! He'll just get you drunk -- again! That's probably what happened with Frodo and the chariot ...

P: I promise, he won't! Just take his horn away from him before he goes out, and he's fine.

D: No. That's final. How about Aragorn?

P: Pfft. As if. Now that he's Mister High And Mighty King, he's all, like, "I'm too good for Green Day!" He'd probably like it if we invited him to a Jewel concert ...

D: Hey! There's nothing wrong with Jewel, Mister! That does it -- you're going nowhere!

P: dick.

D: I heard that! Go to your parapet!

Once a Week.

2006-10-26T07:56:00.000-07:00

Is this the best I can do? I intended for this to be an outlet for my humor, for my musings and inner-space dialogue, but the best I can manage is once a week. It's a time-management thing. I've got all these snippets whirling around in my cranium, but to get them out in a readable and coherent fashion will take time, and that's something I just haven't got at the moment. Commitments. Responsibilities. All the things that make up a so-called "adult life." And the crazy thing is that it really only changed for me about three months ago. I wonder what the future holds ...

Watch this space.

My Blogeristic Debut.

2006-10-19T09:44:00.000-07:00

So this is the first post in my blog, and I find that I have nothing to say. This is worse than writing a letter to my mom and filling it so full of vapid inanities as to render any real reason for my writing in the first place to a null state. Well, in time, the reasons for a blog will come. Until that happens, I'll pretend to have opinions on various subjects. I'll pretend to have a connection to The World at Large, and I'll pretend to have enough spare time to fill this thing up with something worth reading.

Right now, I'm a desk jockey. When I tell that to people at parties (well, not so much "parties" as my local bar), they always think I said "disk jockey," and they're all interested in my work. I then patiently explain that, no, I don't spin platters; I bend alphanumeric strings to my iron will, trying to make sense out of the paper piles on my desk, and (hopefully) making people who I may or may not meet in my lifetime a little happier and/or more relaxed. At that point, my listeners have usually wandered off in search of someone with a slightly more colorful life, like a photographer or a policeperson. Lots of interesting questions they can get asked, like "Shot anyone famous recently?" Fact of the matter is, I work in the timeshare industry for a company that isn't very well known. When I drop this little brain-nugget into the mix, I get two responses:
a) "I almost bought a timeshare."
or
b) "I own a timeshare. Never use the damn thing."
Right about then, their eyes narrow. "Are you in Sales?" I hurriedly deny that charge. Sometimes I challenge them to a duel for even implying such a thing. Then I scurry off to find a photographer or cop to talk to.